1. They tell blatant lies
They know that you know they are lying, yet they still lie. They lie about anything, and they get upset when confronted about their dishonesty. Narcissists love to paint their own reality in order to get what they want from you and others and will never admit that they are lying, unless it is with a motive.
2. Deny, deny, deny
They deny ever having said something, even though you have proof. They will say something and act like they never said it. This is to bring confusion and cause you to question your own rationality. It is a way to get you to trust yourself less and less, until you believe everything they tell you as absolute truth.
3. They use what is dearest to you, to get to you
They will not think twice about using whatever it is you find valuable as ammunition against you: your children, your family, your faith in God – anything that they know will hit you where it hurts the most. If they know you value being a mother; they will accuse you of being a bad parent. If they know you fear God; they will use the Bible to manipulate you into doing their will masked as “God’s will”/to make you feel like a bad Christian.
4. Over time their lies, manipulation, gaslighting and accusations get the better of you – slowly but surely
You will begin to lose yourself: self doubt, insecurity and lack of trust in God will increase as your focus shifts to keeping your relationship afloat. Your sole purpose becomes figuring out ways to “fix” the relationship, which never happens, as they keep flipping the script on you. Just when you think you have met their expectations, they raise the bar yet again so you do not attain it.
5. Their words and actions contradict each other
They will tell you they love you, but turn around and continually break their vows. They will proclaim to be a Christian, yet continue to live with sinful habits. They will leave you constantly wondering who they really are, and who exactly you married. They will describe themselves as God-fearing, ethical and dignified, yet behave in the opposite manner. They will say they cannot stand when people lie, cheat and steal; yet do the exact same to you.
6. They project their misdeeds onto you by accusing you of the exact thing they are doing
They constantly accuse you of lying, cheating, being insecure and doing things behind their back, because that is what they do to you. If they project things onto you, it shifts the attention from them onto you, so that you exhaust yourself proving to them that they are wrong about you. This is another tactic of theirs, so you will spend more time trying to convince them of your innocence, and miss signs of their misdeeds.
7. They adapt their personality according to their environment
When they are with you, they are a different person to who they are among friends, co-workers, church family and the general public. At first, you never really know who they will be. However, after a while, you are able to predict which personality will appear at which time. For example, when around people from church, they will adapt their speech to sound more “Christian”. They will pretend to be the perfect godly husband and father. When around friends, they will be the “fun friend”. Around co-workers, they will be professional, helpful to colleagues, etc. Meanwhile, at home they abuse you (whether mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually or physically) and essentially live two different lives: one behind closed doors and another in public.
8. They bad-mouth you to the people in your life in your absence
With them, you never really know what they are saying to people about you in your absence. They tend to tell half truths in order to get the listener to believe their narrative over yours. The half truths is what causes the listener and the victim to be confused. Their public compliments and praise to you make it easier to convince you that they love you and care for you, however, behind your back they say something different. They tell different stories to different people but consistently make themselves look and sound either like the victim to gain sympathy, or the hero to receive praise.
9. They put all the blame on you and refuse to take any responsibility
Whatever goes wrong in the relationship is always your fault, and never theirs. They will violate you and the vows they made to you, and find a way to blame you for it. If they cheat, it is your fault and they are your victim. If they steal, it is your fault and not theirs. If they commit a crime and go to jail, it is your fault and not theirs. They will do whatever it takes to shift the blame to you.
10. They repeatedly do things that trigger you and then play the victim when you react
They will do things they know will hurt you, to guarantee a response from you. They will be persistent until you finally crack and respond – then they point the finger at you and play the victim.